‘I appear to have bid £45 on a porcelain figurine of a bear in a fedora.’

When I was pregnant, I was adamant that everything we bought for Winnie would be brand new, and the idea of giving her anything less than the very best was not even a consideration.

What I didn’t realise, however, was that my tiny little human would outgrow her Cath Kidston rompers within a week of actually fitting in to them. And that my lovely, tidy, and meticulously thought out nursery, would soon become a dumping ground for unused stuff.

Fast forward a year, and here I am; sat on the sofa in the lounge eating my fifth second chocolate digestive and furiously outbidding someone on eBay for a second hand Sylvanian beaver.

Sigh.

It all started on Facebook.

A friend of mine told me about a local selling page on there and I positively jumped at the chance of getting rid of the clutter.

Within five minutes I was up and running (metaphorically, of course. I was actually in the bath.) ‘Quick, easy and idiot-proof’, I thought. No muddy fields. No nosey rummagers. No confrontational bartering with anyone over the price of a John Lewis burp cloth. Bliss.

And it wasn’t even long before I received my first message about one of my items. Someone was interested in one of my items! I was overcome with adrenaline- my palms sweaty, my heart racing, my mind conjuring up elaborate scenarios of what I might buy in replacement of this £1.50 reusable swim nappy.

When the day arrived for collection, I was high on anticipation.

When would they arrive? They said between 3 and 6. Would it be closer to 3 or closer to 6? Would they want to come in? Should I vacuum the welcome mat?

Oh God, I hope the man at number 3 won’t be gardening in his Speedos again.

Thoughts flew around my brain at a thousand miles per hour.

And then 3pm finally arrived!

And then 4pm.

And then 5pm.

And then 6pm.

And then I realised they weren’t coming.

I had been stood up. In my own home. 

Since that fateful day, I have grown a thicker skin. I suppose I ought to be thankful to them. For now I have come to learn the way of the Facebook selling page, the highs and the lows.

I have even branched out into the world of eBay.

I’ve learnt to be strong. I’ve learnt to be assertive. (And I’ve learnt how to place bids in the last 10 seconds of a listing to really annoy another bidder.)

I am a stealthy buyer. I am a woman scorned…

…and I am the owner of even more junk.


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