‘I didn’t think a parsnip would make such a good weapon’

There are some things that women warn you of when you are pregnant.

General words of wisdom that only an experienced ‘new mum’ can offer.

Basic guidance on feeding, sleeping, winding and such. Occasionally, even the odd anecdote on a particularly explosive nappy will find its way in. But, there are also some things that are missed. Things that I wish I had been prepared for.

Things that I never imagined.

 

  • You’re going to lose hair. A lot of hair. A couple of months after you have given birth, you can expect your home, your furniture and even your baby, to be covered in your moulting locks. You’ll probably decide to get it cut short. Into a bob. (You’ll still lose the same amount of hair, but you’ll feel proactive about it).
  • Your brain will somehow shut down at random intervals, causing you to make some of the most absurd mistakes of your life and question your own sanity. Forgetting your keys in the door all day? Putting the washing machine on without the washing inside? Walking into Sainsbury’s and realising you’re wearing your husbands size 9 shoes.
  • You won’t be able to wear half of the clothes in your wardrobe and will insist on going shopping for new and improved ‘mum clothes’. (You’ll even peruse M&S).
  • You will encounter overly friendly strangers who insist on touching your baby and telling you how gorgeous they are. (You will then find the nearest safe place to meticulously baby wipe your child clean).
  • People will ask you if your baby is ‘good’ everywhere you go. Normally in the supermarket checkout queue. Just smile and say yes. (Don’t answer with “no, actually, she’s an arsonist” and bop them over the head with a root vegetable. It’s not socially acceptable, apparently.)
  • Every time you leave your baby in someone else’s care, you will feel as though you are missing a limb. (You will also momentarily forget that they are not supposed to be with you and a mini meltdown will ensue).
  • Beans on toast will become a main staple in your diet. You’ll feel particularly accomplished by adding a sprinkling of grated cheese. Eat your heart out, Delia.
  • You will develop a ridiculously high-pitched and animated voice which you will use to praise and congratulate your baby on small victories. (A long awaited poo, for example).
  • You’ll wake up in the morning without a clue of what day it is and have to replay the previous day’s events in your mind to gauge it.
  • You’ll genuinely worry that your heart might one day explode with the love you have for your baby and you will wonder how you ever got so lucky.

 

Every woman experiences motherhood differently. Some take to it like a duck to water.

…and some have just found their iPhone in the freezer

 

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